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Name: Justin
Country: United States
State: Alabama
Birthday: 8/17/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Listening to music, making music, sleeping etc etc
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/27/2003
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| New cellphone number.
(256) 665-0516
It's a plan too, so no more fucked up service.
My phone is on 24/7 now. Without a problem.
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Happy Trails
9:43 PM 12/7/2005
I feel sick to my stomache again. I don't know whether it's because seeing my mother like this does it to me, or if it's all the medication I just took for my bronchitis. She's crying again, and from her room across the hall I can hear her too clearly.
She and my sister got into it earlier.
"Maybe I'll just die Brianne!"
She doesn't sound afraid.
It really frightens me.
She's been crying a lot lately. I thought she was doing ok, but she cries more than she has in a long time. And it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up, because there isn't anything I can do. She's in hell, and there isn't anything I can do.
Earlier, she was in her room, and every light in the house was out. It reminded me too much of when we were about to lose the house, and trying to cut costs by using one or two lights at most in the house.
At that time it was right after Sarah had went away to college and I was going through the darkest period of my entire life. My mother was constantly accusing me of not caring that we were going to lose our house, telling me that I didn't think or care about anything but myself. Every day, untill one day she started it again. She came into the kitchen waving all the bills we couldn't pay in my face, all the while telling me how it didn't matter to me and that I only cared about myself. I lost it completely. I broke down and started sobbing, trying to tell her how everytime I went to sleep at night, I was having nightmares about losing the house, what would happen to us, where we would go, and how we would survive. She wasn't listening though and kept screaming. I tried going to my room, but I couldn't walk straight. I don't know how I made it into my room, but when i finally made it I feel to my knees, against my bed, and started rocking back and forth. All I could say was ," I can't do anything, I can't do anything, I can't do anything..." I don't know why, but I couldnt say or do anything else at that moment. I was still sobbing and I started sweating uncontrollably. I was running my fingers hard through my hair and iot was coming out in thick clumps. I was not ignorant to the fact that I was having some sort of break down, but I couldn't come out of it. I couldn't think of anything but all the mistakes I had made and how alone I felt. I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't feel anything. I was numb. I went into the darkened kitchen and I saw the knives. I reached for the longest one and I held it in front of me. I pressed the knife's point into my chest, right where my heart should be. I held it there. I pressed it into my chest for something like 20 minutes while I searched my hardest for a reason not to. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't thinking. I was in despair, torment, and anguish over everything that was going on at that point in time.
I found a reason, and I put the knife down.
Needless to say, it isn't a pleasant memory for me, so I turned on the lights in the house. I walked back to my mother's room and told her that having all of the lights off is depressing, and a little light might make her happier. She started crying.
"I hate feeling like this Justin"
I know mom. Some light would help though, I think.
"I have no reason for light, Justin"
You need the light mom, without it, you can't see.
"I don't want to see anymore Justin."
I can't do anything for her. And it tears me apart. And it's making me afraid to leave for Auburn. She's always said that without Brianne and I, she doesn't know what she would have done by now. And now that I'm this close to leaving, it's a really terrifying idea, being 225 miles away from my mother when shes like this. I can't do anything, but at least right now, I'm nearby her.
I don't know which is going to be worse.
Seeing her like this,
or being many miles away...
Just over the past few days it's really started to hit me that I'm moving away from this town where so many bad memories reside. My whole life these things have happened like this, in this town. I hate the cliche, "a new beginning" but I really think this is a chance for me to get away from my past, and really take control of my life. To start over and make my own mistakes, and choices, and not have these ghosts from years past haunting me.
I really try to be a good person, and be there for anyone that needs somebody. Sometimes though I feel really alone, and I really want someone to be here for me. There are people who say they will be, but not everyone will. I had someone for a little while in Sarah. I think that's why I fell for her so hard. She gave me security, and a foundation, something I never really have ever had. Someone to run to when life got too overwhelming. She felt like home when I didn't have one. Once she left for college, miles changed what we had, and now I don't have anyone anymore.
I wish I could help my mother.
I wish I could make things perfect.
Even if I had to go through hell.
Damn it. | | | |
| The lightning brightened the dark night sky for an instant, and it was dark again. The sound of the rain filled my ears and was a welcome escape from my worrisome thoughts. The feel of the drops sliding down my skin, and soaking into my clothes reminded me that I was still here. I feel more and more like myself everytime I come down to Auburn.
I lost myself in my thoughts again today. So much pulling on me from all different directions, its hard not to be consumed by evrything that is bothering me. Hard to do exactly what it is that I've been telling people not to do. To not let their pain and worries define them, and turn them into somebody that they truly aren't. I've been fighting that a lot lately. Ms. Sarah Norris pointed it out to me last night that giving in many different directions, makes it harder on myself sometimes.
Swimming in the sea of my thoughts, sometimes its hard to keep my head above water.
It's odd how it works, I have to let my emotions settle and stew before I can really deal with them. I have to go through the process, no matter how difficult the emotion is and will be...
Sunday:
I woke up and listened to music, talked, and watched television with Ms. Sarah Norris, and throughly enjoyed doing not a lot of anything. I love when really doing nothing, is fun. I'm quite thankful I was able to stay at her place, she and her roomates are really awesome. Because it was final crunch time, she had to work on a paper, so I set out to find something to do. I ended up at Brittany's apartment for half an hour and caught up with her. That was nice considering I had been in Auburn for 3 days and I hadn't seen her yet. But Brittany also had something to do, so again I was on the town searching for my next destination. I ended up at Garber's place and we grabbed some food, and then went shopping in Walmart. After that it was to Ms. Sarah Stone's apartment. We hung out, ate black beans, talked, and went for a walk. Somehow I managed to lock myself in her laundry-matt's bathroom. Somehow, I made it out alive after about 5 minutes haha. And then, it was back to Ms. Sarah Norris's apartment to pick her up, and then to Michael Garber's apartment to pick him up, and then to the Auburn campus for a walk. It was something like 73 degrees and I decided that I wanted to go for a walk. What better place than the campus right? So we meandered around and did handstands, cartwheels, and lept onto poles from other poles. After the walk, I went back to Sarah's apartment and relaxed and drank wonderful sleepytime tea. Great company.
I had decided after much internal conflict and turmoil, to call into work to stay in Auburn one more day so I could speak to an Auburn advisor in person rather than on the phone. My father apparently thought it was a horrid idea, and decided to let me know with yelling and curses. I went through something of a break down I guess. I was really questioning whether nor not everything I was doing to try and get down to Auburn was right. Whether going through all this trouble for an education was correct. I decided with the help of several positive influences that it was most definately the right thing to do. So I decided to call into work and stay one more night, to speak with someone from Auburn in the morning. Ms. Sarah Norris was fantastic and offered to let me stay in her place for another night. We ended up staying up much later than we both planned, talking about so many things, and again, listening to wonderful music. After a double dose of sleepy time tea it was time for sleep. I ended up going for a drive to think about everything from the weekend and all of the things that were weighing heavily on my mind. I ended up getting to sleep at around 5:40 in the morning, and I ended up waking at 8:15. I was incredibly tired, and in need of a shower, but there was business that needed to be attended to. I ended up taking the Tiger Transit with Sarah to campus and walked her to class. When we parted ways I had to find a man by the name oh John Burgess to speak about Auburn. Mr Burgess was located in the quad center, and was incredibly helpful and told me everything that I needed to hear.
Ms. Sarah Norris was right, I shouldn't have worried.
The rain was falling lightly and the sky was grey,
But the campus still looked like home that day.
This weekend was the first time that I felt like myself since everything went to hell at the end of August. I felt confident that I was going to go exactly where it was in life that I wanted to be. I spent the weekend with an amazing person, who by random events, I came to spend time with.
On my way back to Sarah's apartment this morning, I saw you. You noticed me, but you thought I didn't see you. But I did. I've never come closer to truly hating anyone untill I heard about you.
I didn't want to leave, but I had to. I think one of the only things that I like better about Huntsville over Auburn, is the fact that I'm familiar with the roads. I am quickly bec oming knowledgeable of Auburn's streets though. I made it home in around three hours. I fell asleep at the wheel a few times, and came too close to running into a ditch, and one time a wall. But I made it home safely, nonetheless. I was looking foward to a quiet house and a warm bed, but I came home to my mother and my sister fighting and yelling.
I got that sick feeling in my stomache again.
And then nothing all night really.
I'm sure I'm missing a lot...and I'm sure I'll post it once it comes to me.
I like stories.
I like hearing them.
And I like telling them.
Everyone has a story to tell.
I think I'm going to start writing stories.
Maybe about lands and people from times long ago.
Maybe about people from how I percieve their stories.
I'm going to start writing stories.
The hardest part
of a broken heart
isn't the ending
so much as the start.
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| Just then
he decided
that tomorrow
would have
to wait.
He fit
her hand
into his
speaking nothing
saying much.
Her eyes,
green pools,
reflected moon,
capturing thoughts,
met his.
Just then
they decided
that tomorrow
would have
to wait.
I love Auburn, Alabama. I think moving down here is going to be the best decision I've ever made. If I were to just up and leave my house,to get away from my mother, which I probably should have many times over, it would pretty much ruin my relationship with my mother. And as angry and as depressed I get over the way she acts towards me, I still very much value what we do have. When she's my mom, she's a wonderful and beautiful soul. When she's this other person, the one who does what ever she can to hurt me, that's what drives me away. That's what makes me wonder if I'm even loved. That's what causes me the most pain.
But
If I were to leave on account of something that required travel, such as school, she would be fine with that. That's a big part of the reason I'm going to go to Southern Union instead of Calhoun untill I can get into Auburn.
This city is where I belong. I feel it inside me. I have amazing people down here, beautiful scenery, miles away from a lot of anguish that resides in Huntsville, and a fantastic school as well.
Fate. God. Random. Patterns of events. I don't know what to believe. Sometimes I feel things absolutely have to happen for some reason. I believe that sometimes people meet eachother for a reason, or something has to fucking happen for a reason. I think sometimes people need someone or something, maybe unknowingly, someone answers that call, and it just seems like chance? I have no clue.
Some people, make me sick. A lot of times people confuse me, and I can't figure them out. But sometimes, there's someone that I know. I know exactly what's going through their mind when they say or do something. Sometimes poeople are sick. How someone can say things so harsh to hurt someone, is unkown to me. I would never even consider intentionally saying something to hurt somebody. And especially not anyone that I care about. Sometimes I wish I had a reason to act on my frustrations and punch people in the face, but let's face it, that would make me as bad as the previously mentioned types of people.
Ugh, I hate it when I make these entries all vague like this. I never intend to be intentionally cryptic, but sometimes they just turn out that way.
I don't want anyone to hurt anymore. I don't want anyone to cry anymore.
And heres something else.
EQ- emotional intelligence. There was a story of a samurai who went up to an old monk and demanded of him, "So you think you're so smart old man, tell me of heaven and hell." The monk replied, "You and all samurai are foolish, go away from me." Enraged over his pride being insulted, the warrior withdrew his sword and reared back to deliver a killing blow. "That," the monk said, "is hell." The samurai stopped to take in what the monk said, and sheathed his kitana, ashamed of how quickly and inknowingly he became overwhelmed by his anger. Without out even knowing it! "And that," the monk said once the samurai returned his sword, "is heaven." Far too many people are guilty of this, and they don't even know it. Being aware of your emotions as they occur, and controlling them, is something a lot of people can't seem to do. Something that bothers me very much are people who refuse to open up, who refuse to emote, who refuse to accept pain, but block it out, hurting themselves and others around them who care about them.
You all know people like this. Who don't even try to figure out what it is that their feeling. Or who try to block it out. Who are consumed by whatever demons it is, that they're struggling with. It's the people who bottle up their problems, and let the pain define them, that lead a bitter life. Society has tried to teach us that it's unacceptable to be aware of your emotions, let alone show them. And without showing them, you can't deal with them. Not in an effective way, or healthy. And I'm sick of it.
Again I'm baffled by how fucked up the world can be.
God, I hope somebody can relate. | | |
| 1:16 AM 12/2/2005
Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where angels fly,
they go to a lake of fire and fry,
wont see them again till the fourth of July.
Well, I'm packed for Auburn. After a considerable amount of deliberation over whether or not to go, I decided for it. It's going to be my last time to go to Auburn before I move down there.
Tasks for this weekend:
Find Southern Union.
Register for courses at Southern Union.
Measure room at Emmory's.
Don't spend all of my money.
Look around for jobs maybe?
Spend time with friends.
Don't get sicker.
After I called in this morning, which went smoothly like I was sure it wouldn't, I fell back asleep untill around 1. I was awoken to my mother telling me to shower and get dressed, that she was taking me to the doctor's office. I protested as best I could, I'm not much for debate when I first wake. I was worried about the costs, I was all for just sticking it out and saving her money. But she told me that it was taken care of. It took about a billion hours for me to get seen, but when i did the doctor told me that I had bronchitis (sp?) and prescribed me generic medication. He knew my situation, and he did what he could to help me, which I totally appreciate. He's a good guy. As for my inhaler, they found me one that does the same thing, and is a fraction of the cost of the one that I'm on now. I don't know how much but the total cost of 3 prescriptions was 40something dollars, so it can't be too bad.
It feels like a weight has been lifted knowing that I won't have to break the bank just to be able to breathe.
Somehow I managed to scrounge up enough money to make it to Auburn and back with some to spare to pay for car insurance. Neato.
I'm looking foward to this trip a lot. It's only my second time going down there by myself, but I think I can manage. I've been there like 5 times total, so i'll be fine.
It makes me sick to my stomach to think about the terrible, cruel, cold, and vicious things that happen to good people. People who don't deserve it. People who don't deserve anything close to it. I see these things happen all the time. And I think what gets me the most is I can't do a god damn thing about it. I wish there were some way I could prevent bad things from occuring. I don't want anyone to hurt anymore. I would gladly take all the pain away from everybody and deal with it myself. I just don't understand why the world/fate/god/cosmic forces/random happenings/whatever the fuck you choose to believe in could just work like this.
Why?
Maybe I don't want to know.
And fuck having to change my musical tastes because of a breakup.
I don't know if anyone can relate to that, but it sucks.
So many things to bother me,
When will I claw my way out of this rut?
I move in 32 days.
4:44 AM 12/3/2005
Dear Blog,
I write to you from Auburn. I made the trip down here alright, save for a 30 mile detour in the wrong direction. I was told to take the Atlanta exit, but not told the one after Birmingham. But once that was ironed out I was on my way, and got here an hour later than I had planned. I found my way to Southern Union and managed to speak with an advisor who didn't seem to hear a word that I said to her. When I finished asking a question, she would give me an answer that didn't match. And then when I asked her to elaborate, she looked at me like I was a moron.
From what I did get from her though, it's going to be a lot more difficult than I originally thought it would be to get to school down here. It really is going to be a challenge, and I knew it would be, and I'm willing to accept it. No one said this was going to be easy. I just hope I'm up for it. I really don't think I'm going to let anything stand in my way.
I spent most of the day with Sarah Norris. Dinner, then driving around the country side, talking and trying to find places to look at the stars. Then back into Auburn, to listen to fantastic music. Everyone go listen to Iron&Wine immediately! Then over to Ogden's place for a party that I was horribly underdressed for. Oh well, you make do with what you can. Then on an epic quest for strawberry ice cream. And now back here.
I'm lucky to have such amazing people all around me. Friends that help me through all of my struggles. Friends that listen. Friends that make me smile, and laugh.
And I am sick of people treating other people like shit. I see too much of it. And it always happens to the people who don't deserve it.
Speaking of being sick, my bronchitis is going away I think. In fact I forgot to take my medication today...so I'm going to do that now. Sleep is close, a better post later.
Goodnight.
I've felt happy for the first time in a while tonight.
It's good to feel that, and it's good to hear someone tell that to me. | | |
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